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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Make Decisions Together - Fifth Strategy for a Successful Marriage




It was a cool February evening. Although I couldn’t see the sun due to the overcast skies, I knew its light would soon disappear and I’d be left with nothing but darkness for the next twelve hours. Taking one final look at the depressingly cloudy sky, I hopped in my red Ford Escape to begin the hour and a half trek from my job at OSU to our Lead Pastor’s home in Marion.

A couple months earlier, I was approached by the Lead Pastor of our church with a request to pray about becoming a member of our church’s Elder board. I was flattered that the board would consider me, a twenty-three year old, for a position, but I had already made up my mind many years earlier that I was never going to be involved in church leadership. So when asked about joining the board, I prayed about it and then regretfully declined the invitation, much to our pastor’s disappointment. But he was never one to give up easily. A month later, he approached me again and asked if I’d be willing to hear him out about the responsibilities of the position over dinner at his house. Apparently, he knew the right bait to use because I’ll always take someone up on some free food. This was the meeting I was about to have on that cool February evening.

After a quick greeting and invitation to sit down at the dining room table, I began scarfing down pancakes while our pastor dove into expounding upon the role he wanted me to fill. I don’t know if it was something he put in the pancakes or the way he talked about it, but I went into that conversation convinced I didn’t want anything to do with church leadership and left the conversation convinced that church leadership was exactly where God was calling me. I was sold. What I experienced that night was nothing short of repentance, not a mindset shift towards God but a mindset shift towards becoming an elder in our church.

After saying my goodbyes, I hopped back in my car and gave Amy a call to let her know I was on the way home. When she asked me how the meeting had gone, I told her that I had accepted the invitation to become an elder. I don’t know exactly what expression came across Amy’s face nor how she would’ve responded in person, but I’m certain that it turned out better for me that we weren’t in the same room. You see, I’m one of the lucky few people who have experienced the wrath of Amy. And that night, I got a chance to experience it again.

“What did we talk about,” she asked rhetorically, “Didn’t we decide you weren’t going to be an elder?” I spent the remainder of my ten minute drive home attempting to persuade her that this was what was best for me and the church. By the time our conversation ended that evening, she was far from being convinced that I had made a good unilateral decision, but nonetheless, she decided to support my decision.

Why Is It Important For Us to Make Decisions Together?


In the Bible, we’re told that when two people are married, they become one.[1] As a Christian, I believe the Bible communicates truth to us, so I believe that Amy and I are now “one.” But even if you’re not a Christian and don’t believe everything contained in the Bible, I’m sure that if you’re married, you recognize that your decisions impact not only you, but your entire family, and especially your spouse. If you accept a job offer that requires you to relocate a thousand miles away from where you currently live, your decision impacts your entire family, most notably in the fact that you’ll have to pick up and move.

When I made the unilateral decision to accept the invitation to become an elder at our church, I made a decision which impacted both of us, yet Amy had no say in the decision. Thankfully she was willing to go with it, but my choice to accept it wasn’t what she wanted at all.

In the past few years, we’ve grown to understand that marriage isn’t about what’s best for each of us as the two individuals who are involved in the marriage; instead, it’s about what’s best for the one being we’ve become. As one, we work together to make decisions that are in the best interest of our family, even if those decisions happen to not be what might look best for one or both of us.

This isn’t to say that we consult each other about every little thing we do every day such as what outfit to wear or what food to eat for lunch. But when it comes to decisions which impact us as a family, we have found it be very beneficial for us to make those decisions together.

How Do We Know What’s Best for Our Family?


One of the hardest things we’ve had to wrestle with in the process of trying to make decisions together is figuring out what is going to be best for our family. How do we really know what’s best for our family? Because we both spent the first twenty three years of our lives learning how to make decisions which only impacted one person, thinking in these terms was anything but natural.

First, we had to learn how to care for each other as much as we cared for ourselves. When we first got married, we only knew how to be concerned with making decisions that were best for our individual selves. But as we learned to love each other more, we began learning how to sacrifice our own desires so that we could give each other what the other one wanted.

However, this strategy, by itself, doesn’t necessarily lead to a successful marriage. There’s another step we had to take: we had to figure out what was really best for our family. I’m not going to claim that we have figured out exactly what’s best for our family and I don’t think we ever fully will, but we have taken steps to point ourselves in a common direction through developing a family mission statement. Our family mission statement gives us a purpose for why our family exists and guides us in our decision-making. Sometimes we make decisions which don’t seem like they’re going to benefit either of us individually, but which will greatly benefit our family. If you're interested in learning more about developing a strong family mission statement, check out my blog post entitled “Busy?” from June 14, 2017.


If Amy and I had recognized the importance of making decisions together and had developed a family mission statement when we first got married, we would’ve saved ourselves a lot of heartache in our early years of marriage. Don’t be like us; learn from our mistakes. If you’ve been married for a while, it’s never too late to change. I’d encourage you and your spouse to make the decision today to start making decisions together. If you’ve recently gotten married or are planning to get married soon, I’d encourage you to start your marriage off on a good foot by making decisions together from the start. I can’t guarantee anything, but our experiences tell me that making decisions together will allow you to experience a deeper relationship with your spouse.

Lastly, don’t forget to check back next week for a discussion on our fourth strategy for a successful marriage: communicating openly.


[1] Genesis 2:24.

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