In the Nicholas Sparks classic, The Notebook, Noah and Allie, both teenagers in Seabrook Island,
South Carolina, fall in love with each other over the summer. But at the end of
the summer, their relationship is broken apart when Allie’s family moves to Charleston.
A few years later, Allie becomes engaged to a wealthy man named Lon. Noah, still
in love with Allie, ends up crossing paths with her. They hook up at his house for
some unsanctioned activities. The following morning, Allie decides she needs to
go back to Lon, but Noah isn’t so quick to let her go. Here’s a brief snippet
of their interaction:
Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look
at us, we’re already fighting.
Noah: Well that’s what we do: we
fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you
when you’re being a pain in the ass, which you are, 99 percent of the time. I’m
not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have like a two second rebound rate and
you’re back doing the next pain in the ass thing.
Allie: So what?
Noah: So, it’s not going to be
easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work at this
every day, but I want to do that because I want you.
If you’ve read or watched The Notebook, then you know that shortly thereafter, Allie breaks
off her engagement to Lon and marries Noah.
Why Is It Important For Us to Communicate Openly?
Although Noah and Allie may not have had everything going
for them, one thing they had going for them was that they were able to
communicate openly with each other. They didn’t hesitate to tell each other how
they felt, even if it meant that the other person’s feelings were hurt from
time to time. This was certainly the cause of some of their fights, but in the
midst of the fights, there was no question about how each of them felt about
the other one.
I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I know in
America we value our privacy. Most Americans shudder at the idea of personally
unveiling their deepest thoughts and emotions, let alone the idea of revealing
them to another person. We’re afraid that if anyone discovers our deepest secrets,
they’re going to reject us. So we continue to try to hide all this stuff,
hoping no one will ever find them out.
Although I personally wouldn’t suggest hiding all your
dirtiest secrets from yourself and other people, if you’re a single person, you
could theoretically live your entire life this way without too many repercussions.
But if you’re married, continuing to be Fort Knox is a recipe for certain
disaster.
One of the most foundational building blocks of any marriage
is trust. And trust is built upon transparency. Assuming that our transparency
is coming out of the love we have for our spouse, the more transparent we are,
the more our spouse will trust us. On the other hand, if we insist on being
Fort Knox, then our spouse may never completely trust us. Opening the gate of
our vault to let our spouse in is one way we can strategically position ourselves
for a successful marriage.
Could Your Transparency Lead Your Spouse to Reject You?
This fear of rejection from being transparent is completely
legitimate. To be transparent is to be vulnerable and vulnerability is risky.
If knowledge of my deepest secrets gets in the hands of the wrong people, then
it can result in all sorts of devastating consequences.
When we are transparent with our spouse, there’s always a
possibility that our spouse could reject us, especially when our transparency
reveals that we have racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, have
been looking at pornography, or have been engaged in an extra-marital affair. It’s
possible that admitting something like this could result in your spouse’s rejection.
But it’s also possible that your transparency will build trust with your spouse
and open up an opportunity for you and your spouse to work together as a team to
overcome your struggles.
What Are Some Ideas for How to Openly Communicate with Your Spouse?
Maybe you’d like to take some steps towards communicating
more openly with your spouse, but you’re not sure exactly where to start. I
have two suggestions. The first is to read some of the “generalized” tips below
and figure out how you can personally apply them in your marriage. And the
second is to drop me a note
and I’d be more than happy to work with you to come up with some ideas for your
specific situation.
Information to share
with your spouse on a regular basis. In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley lists four types of open
communication which are important in a marriage:
1.
Revealing information about your thoughts,
feelings, likes, and dislikes.
2.
Revealing information about your personal
history such as particular events that demonstrate personal weakness or
failure.
3.
Revealing information about the events of your
day, specifically the events which may impact him or her.
4.
Revealing information about your thoughts and
plans for the future.[1]
By collectively sharing this information with one another,
you and your spouse have an opportunity to get to know each other more and figure
out how to be more united.
How to begin sharing more
information with your spouse. Beginning to share information that hasn’t
been shared before can be very difficult because it involves change, and most
people resist change. One of the temptations you may face is the desire to dump
everything you’ve been holding back for years on your spouse all at once.
Unless your spouse is Jesus, I would encourage you to resist the temptation to
dump it all on at once because it will be very overwhelming. Instead, I would encourage
you to slowly ease your spouse into it. This will most likely help your spouse
to better cope with the changes and may even cause him or her to be more
vulnerable as well.
How to share a big shortcoming
with your spouse. This one is really hard since every person responds
differently in stressful situations. It’s possible your spouse may get really
upset with you for being honest. Nonetheless, I’d encourage you to communicate
your shortcomings with your spouse, especially your big ones. Structure your
message in such a way that you take ownership for your shortcoming, express a
sincere apology, and communicate the love you have for your spouse. Depending
on your knowledge of your spouse, it may also be helpful to communicate that
your shortcomings aren’t your spouse’s fault.
–
Hopefully you’ve been able to take away something from this
article which you can apply in your marriage. Do you have any other thoughts on
how spouses can be more transparent with one another?
[1] Willard
Harley, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an
Affair-Proof Marriage (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 2011), location 1636-42,
Kindle.
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