It was a cool February evening. Although I couldn’t see the
sun due to the overcast skies, I knew its light would soon disappear and I’d be
left with nothing but darkness for the next twelve hours. Taking one final look
at the depressingly cloudy sky, I hopped in my red Ford Escape to begin the
hour and a half trek from my job at OSU to our Lead Pastor’s home in Marion.
A couple months earlier, I was approached by the Lead Pastor
of our church with a request to pray about becoming a member of our church’s
Elder board. I was flattered that the board would consider me, a twenty-three
year old, for a position, but I had already made up my mind many years earlier
that I was never going to be involved in church leadership. So when asked about
joining the board, I prayed about it and then regretfully declined the
invitation, much to our pastor’s disappointment. But he was never one to give
up easily. A month later, he approached me again and asked if I’d be willing to
hear him out about the responsibilities of the position over dinner at his
house. Apparently, he knew the right bait to use because I’ll always take
someone up on some free food. This was the meeting I was about to have on that
cool February evening.
After a quick greeting and invitation to sit down at the
dining room table, I began scarfing down pancakes while our pastor dove into expounding
upon the role he wanted me to fill. I don’t know if it was something he put in
the pancakes or the way he talked about it, but I went into that conversation
convinced I didn’t want anything to do with church leadership and left the
conversation convinced that church leadership was exactly where God was calling
me. I was sold. What I experienced that night was nothing short of repentance,
not a mindset shift towards God but a mindset shift towards becoming an elder
in our church.
After saying my goodbyes, I hopped back in my car and gave
Amy a call to let her know I was on the way home. When she asked me how the
meeting had gone, I told her that I had accepted the invitation to become an
elder. I don’t know exactly what expression came across Amy’s face nor how she
would’ve responded in person, but I’m certain that it turned out better for me
that we weren’t in the same room. You see, I’m one of the lucky few people who
have experienced the wrath of Amy. And that night, I got a chance to experience
it again.
“What did we talk about,” she asked rhetorically, “Didn’t we
decide you weren’t going to be an elder?” I spent the remainder of my ten
minute drive home attempting to persuade her that this was what was best for me
and the church. By the time our conversation ended that evening, she was far
from being convinced that I had made a good unilateral decision, but nonetheless,
she decided to support my decision.
Why Is It Important For Us to Make Decisions Together?
In the Bible, we’re told that when two people are married,
they become one.[1]
As a Christian, I believe the Bible communicates truth to us, so I believe that
Amy and I are now “one.” But even if you’re not a Christian and don’t believe
everything contained in the Bible, I’m sure that if you’re married, you
recognize that your decisions impact not only you, but your entire family, and
especially your spouse. If you accept a job offer that requires you to relocate
a thousand miles away from where you currently live, your decision impacts your
entire family, most notably in the fact that you’ll have to pick up and move.
When I made the unilateral decision to accept the invitation
to become an elder at our church, I made a decision which impacted both of us,
yet Amy had no say in the decision. Thankfully she was willing to go with it,
but my choice to accept it wasn’t what she wanted at all.
In the past few years, we’ve grown to understand that
marriage isn’t about what’s best for each of us as the two individuals who are involved
in the marriage; instead, it’s about what’s best for the one being we’ve
become. As one, we work together to make decisions that are in the best
interest of our family, even if those decisions happen to not be what might
look best for one or both of us.
This isn’t to say that we consult each other about every
little thing we do every day such as what outfit to wear or what food to eat
for lunch. But when it comes to decisions which impact us as a family, we have
found it be very beneficial for us to make those decisions together.
How Do We Know What’s Best for Our Family?
One of the hardest things we’ve had to wrestle with in the
process of trying to make decisions together is figuring out what is going to
be best for our family. How do we really know what’s best for our family?
Because we both spent the first twenty three years of our lives learning how to
make decisions which only impacted one person, thinking in these terms was
anything but natural.
First, we had to learn how to care for each other as much as
we cared for ourselves. When we first got married, we only knew how to be concerned
with making decisions that were best for our individual selves. But as we
learned to love each other more, we began learning how to sacrifice our own
desires so that we could give each other what the other one wanted.
However, this strategy, by itself, doesn’t necessarily lead
to a successful marriage. There’s another step we had to take: we had to figure
out what was really best for our family. I’m not going to claim that we have
figured out exactly what’s best for our family and I don’t think we ever fully
will, but we have taken steps to point ourselves in a common direction through developing
a family mission statement. Our family mission statement gives us a purpose for
why our family exists and guides us in our decision-making. Sometimes we make
decisions which don’t seem like they’re going to benefit either of us
individually, but which will greatly benefit our family. If you're interested in learning more about developing a strong family mission statement, check out my blog post entitled “Busy?”
from June 14, 2017.
–
If Amy and I had recognized the importance of making
decisions together and had developed a family mission statement when we first got
married, we would’ve saved ourselves a lot of heartache in our early years of
marriage. Don’t be like us; learn from our mistakes. If you’ve been married for
a while, it’s never too late to change. I’d encourage you and your spouse to
make the decision today to start making decisions together. If you’ve recently
gotten married or are planning to get married soon, I’d encourage you to start
your marriage off on a good foot by making decisions together from the start. I
can’t guarantee anything, but our experiences tell me that making decisions together will allow you to
experience a deeper relationship with your spouse.
Lastly, don’t forget to check back next week for a
discussion on our fourth strategy for a successful marriage: communicating
openly.
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