I hate being rejected. It’s one of the worst feelings in the
world. When I get rejected, I feel like I’m nothing more than a piece of
garbage that’s been thrown out to the curb. Sooner or later, the garbage
man is going to come along to pick me up.
I first began to understand what it felt like to be rejected
when I was in fourth grade. My teacher, Mrs. Montgomery, was a member of the
same church as me, which of course was pretty exciting for me. So I took the
liberty of making sure everyone in the class was aware of it too.
Needless to say, some of the other kids in my class didn’t
respond well. They started calling me “Teacher’s Pet” and a host of other names
which I have thankfully forgotten. But I’ll never forget the feelings of
rejection I experienced that year.
When I feel rejected, it feels like a dagger has just struck
my heart. Whether I want to or not, I take rejection very personally, even on
simple things like asking a friend if he wants to go to lunch. That’s why I
could never be a salesman.
Hopefully you don’t experience these same feelings, but
based on my observations, it seems like a lot of people, like me, struggle with
feeling rejected. And if you’re like me, then your feelings of rejection are
almost always accompanied by feelings of worthlessness. For me, those two
feelings are so interrelated that when I feel one of them, I always feel the
other as well.
What Makes Something Valuable?
Let’s say you’re on a mission to buy five bananas, so you go
to the grocery store. When you find the bananas in the produce section, you’re
not going to buy the first five you see. Instead, you’re going to look over the
bananas to find five that look like they meet your expectations.
Let’s say you come across a banana that’s brown and is
growing white fuzzies. What are you going to do? Are you going to pick it up or
pass over it just like everyone else who came before you. Of course you’re
going to pass over it. Why? Because it has no value to you. If you’re like me,
brown bananas with white fuzzies aren’t good for anything; the best place for
them is in the garbage can.
Let’s dig even deeper here. What makes a brown banana with
white fuzzies different from a yellow banana? Well, the difference is that a
yellow banana meets a need whereas a brown banana with white fuzzies doesn’t.
Does it only work this way with bananas, or does it work
this way with all food? It seems to me that it works this way with all food.
Food which meets our needs is going to have value to us whereas food which
doesn’t meet our needs isn’t going to have value. The more needs the food
meets, the more valuable it is. That’s why we’re willing to pay an exorbitant
amount of money for a steak from Mitchell’s Steakhouse, but wouldn’t even dream
of paying that much money for a steak from Meijer.
Taking another step back, don’t we find that it works this
way with everything in life? I’d say so. We’re willing to pay more money for a
Chevy Camaro than for a Ford Focus because the Camaro meets our needs better
than the Focus. We’re willing to spend money on indoor plumbing because it
meets our needs better than a hole with a shack out back. We’re willing to
spend more money to buy a large flat-screen TV rather than continue using the old
tube TV because it meets our needs better.
It seems that value is directly connected to need-meeting. The
things which are most valuable to us are the things that best meet our needs.
What Makes Someone Valuable?
Can we apply this same principle to people? Is the value we
assign to people based upon their ability to meet our needs? Since many of you
reading this article live in corporate America, let’s answer this question by
taking a look at what makes someone valuable to a business.
Let’s say there was a job opening for a Project Manager at
Turner Construction Company where I used to work. What type of person would
Turner want to hire? They’d probably want to hire someone with either a civil
engineering or construction management degree who has five to ten years of
related experience.
Why would they want applicants to have those two
credentials? Because they think someone with those credentials is going to be
able to perform the job well. Therefore, a person with a civil engineering or
construction management degree who also has five to ten years of related
experience would be valuable to Turner Construction. On the other hand, a
person who has just graduated from college with a creative writing degree is
not going to be valuable to Turner Construction.
What’s the difference between the two people in my example?
The difference is that one of the people is going to be much more likely than the
other one to help Turner be profitable. In the same way that value in the food
world is assigned by its need-meeting abilities, value in the corporate world
is also assigned by a person’s ability to meet the needs of the company.
What about in our personal lives? Is value assigned in the
same way? As much as I don’t like admitting it, it seems like many times the
most valuable people in our lives are the ones who meet the most of our needs.
A general exception to this rule is a family member who is really sick, but
even when we care for that person, we can be doing what we do because it meets
our need to feel needed or our need to care for people who are less-privileged
than us. I’m not saying we always
place value on people only because they meet one or more of our needs, but on
the whole, it seems the most valuable people to us are people who meet some of
our needs.
Can We Lose Our Value?
Have you ever thought about what your employer would do if
you were unable to continue performing your job? Would your employer continue to
keep you on the payroll just because they like you, or would your employer get
rid of you? Most likely, your employer is going to get rid of you.
In my mind, this concept makes complete sense, but this
reality is extremely difficult for me to swallow. No fiscally smart business
owner is going to employ someone just because he likes the person. The only
reason businesses keep people employed is because of what they can do for the
business.
I think the best example of this can be found in the world
of professional sports. In 1990, Jaromir Jagr was selected fifth overall by the
Pittsburgh Penguins. For years he’s been one of the NHL’s premier players. But
now at the age of 45, he’s still on the free agent market. Don’t get me wrong,
he’s still a great hockey player, but he’s no longer able to contribute the way
he used to. The NHL general managers apparently believe he’s no longer a
valuable asset to have on their teams.
Whether we want to accept it or not, every one of us is
going to experience the same thing one day. If you’re young like me, you may
feel valuable because you can do lots of different things that are valuable for
other people and businesses, but one day you’re not going to be able to do all
this stuff anymore. You’re going to get wrinkles. Your body is going to wear
out. Your memory may even start to escape you. What’s going to happen then? Are
you still going to be valuable to the people around you?
Can We Increase Our Value?
When I was rejected by some of the kids in my class back in
fourth grade, I began trying to prove to them that I was, in fact, valuable. I
wanted to show them that I was worth accepting rather than rejecting. But what
could I do to prove my worth to them?
The solution I landed on was to try to emulate someone like Bill
Gates or Steve Jobs who ran successful businesses. “If I could become a wealthy,
honored, and influential business owner, then,” I thought, “they will think I’m
valuable.” So I began working my butt off to get straight A’s, a feat which I
achieved for the first time in my life during the final quarter of my fourth
grade year. I thought to myself, “I finally got all A’s; now they’ll accept
me.”
In my excitement, I ran up to seemingly every person in my
class to tell them the good news. I thought everyone would have an immediate
change of heart and begin to accept me…but they didn’t. My classmates’ rejection
continued to follow me all through my grade school years. But that didn’t stop
me from continuing to try to earn the approval of everyone around me.
Once I graduated from college, I began my career as a young
Field Engineer (a glorified title for a project manager in training) at Turner
Construction. A year and a half later, I switched jobs and began working as a
Project Engineer (another glorified title) at Marathon Petroleum.
In both of these jobs, I continued my pattern of trying to
prove my worth to the people around me. I attempted to demonstrate over and
over again why I was a valuable asset to these companies.
Then I left Marathon to go work as the Director of
Operations at the church Amy and I attended. When our Senior Pastor resigned
three months later, I stepped in as the interim until we were able to hire a
new Senior Pastor. It was here that things began taking a drastic turn.
When our Senior Pastor left, he didn’t leave on the best
terms. And his explanation of why he was leaving was filled with a multitude of
unanswered questions, both for us on the leadership team and for the
congregation. Over the course of the next six months, our congregation size
continued to shrink and shrink until we were left with only about ⅓ the number of people we started with.
Even though it may seem like I shouldn’t have felt rejected
when all these people left the church, I did. I felt like they were rejecting
me personally. So I continued trying to do what I knew to do: prove my value to
them so that they wouldn’t leave. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, they
continued to slowly walk out the door. It was at this point that I really began
to understand where my value really comes from and the secret to retaining it.
The Secret to Retaining Our Value
Whose assessment of your value holds the most weight for
you? Your parents? Your friends? Your boss? Your coworkers? Your classmates
from elementary school? Church people? The random person who says you’re a
piece of crap? Now ask yourself another question: Do any of these sources
actually have the authority to assign you value?
Did people like my fourth grade classmates actually have the
authority to determine my value? They seemed to think they did. But did they
really? Or were they simply overstepping their boundaries?
In the same way, I ask you to consider the same question
with the people in your life who are trying to determine your worth. Do these
people actually have the authority to determine your value, or are they doing
nothing more than overstepping their boundaries?
When I was in the midst of feeling rejected by some of the
people at our church, God showed me something which was completely
groundbreaking for me: They, nor anyone else, have the authority to determine
my value. Many different people, including me, can try to determine my worth,
but their opinion doesn’t hold any weight to God. My opinion doesn’t even hold
weight to God. He is the sole appraiser of my value. If he says I’m valuable,
then I’m valuable. If he says I’m not valuable, then I’m not valuable. It’s
really that simple.
But my transformation wasn’t done yet. God now had the challenging
task of helping me to understand why I was valuable to him. For many years, I
thought God operated like us in that I would only be valuable to him if I met
some of his needs. So naturally, I’d spent years doing a host of need-meeting
activities for God. I was reading my Bible every day, praying every day, going
to church every Sunday, serving in countless ministry roles through my local
church, and serving “needy” people in my community. This is where he showed me yet
another groundbreaking discovery: He doesn’t have any needs.[1]
Think about that for a minute. God doesn’t have any needs.
This was a major problem for me because if God doesn’t have any needs, then
there’s nothing I could do to become valuable to him. Yet he says over and over
again that there are people who are valuable to him. What makes these people
valuable? This is where God once again showed me another groundbreaking truth:
He has chosen to assign value to his people, not because of anything they do,
but simply because he chose to do it.[2]
Let me put it in more practical terms: Nothing you do–no
hand raising, prayer praying, aisle walking, self-righteous actions, etc.–can
give us more value in God’s eyes.[3]
How could they if the value he assigns to us isn’t based upon anything we do?
I don’t know about you, but this knowledge gives me a great
sense of assurance and peace. If God assigns value based upon his sovereign will
and not as a result of something I do to earn it, then I never have to worry
about potentially losing my value when I lose my ability to meet the needs of
some pie-in-the-sky, less-than-sovereign deity.[4] God
will never look at me the way the NHL general managers look at Jaromir Jagr.
Lastly, if God assigns us value based on a decision he
makes, then there’s also nothing anyone else can do to take my value away. They
can try all they want, but they’re going to fail every single time because they
don’t have the authority to determine my value. Only God has that authority. This
is great news!
–
So are you valuable? Only God knows the answer to that
question. But one thing I can say is that if you belong to God, then you are
valuable to him, not because you did anything to earn it, but simply because he
says so. And if he says so, then it’s true because he is truth.[5] If
this is you, then you don’t need to listen to all those other people who are
trying to tell you how worthless (or valuable) you are; they don’t have the
authority to make that determination.
[1]
The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and
earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by hands, as
though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and
breath and everything. – Acts 17:24-25
[2]
When Rebekah had conceived children by one man, our forefather Isaac, though they
were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad–in order that God’s
purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who
calls–she was told, “The older will serve the younger.” As it is written,
“Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” – Romans 9:10-13
[3] For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your
own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. –
Ephesians 2:8-9
[4]
All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will
never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the
will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I should
lose nothing of all that he has given me, but raise it up on the last day. –
John 6:37-39
[5]
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to
the Father except through me.” – John 14:6
