The anticipation is over…well, at least for me. We’ve
reached our final, yet what we believe to be the most important, strategy for a
successful marriage. Our number one strategy for a successful marriage is: Love
Unconditionally. I’ll warn you up front that this article is going to be very
challenging for all of us. Nonetheless, let’s dive in!
What Does It Mean to Love Unconditionally?
I’ll start by defining unconditional love. What is love? I
love pizza. I love hockey. I love Amy. I love God. We use the word “love” in
all of these sentences, yet I know each of them has a different meaning. As I
did a few months ago in the second part of my articles on Unselfishness
vs. Love, I will again borrow John Piper’s definition of love: “Love is the
overflow of joy in God that gladly meets the needs of others.”[1] I realize
that’s a mouthful and is very different from the way our culture defines love,
so take a few moments to let it sink in.
Now let’s take a look at what it means for our love to be
unconditional. For something, such as love, to be unconditional means that
there are no conditions or strings attached. I know this definition may sound
obvious, but most of us don’t really seem to grasp what it means for something
to be unconditional, so I’ll illustrate it with an example. How long can you go
without your spouse meeting the needs he or she normally meets before you “fall
out of love” with your spouse? Could you go a week? Could you go a month? How
about a year? How about for the rest of your life? If the love you have for
your spouse is connected to how well he or she is meeting your needs, then your
love is conditional rather than unconditional. The only way we can call our
love for our spouse unconditional is if our love isn’t conditioned upon
anything our spouse does or doesn’t do.
Why Is It Important For Us to Love Our Spouse Unconditionally?
In case you missed last week’s post, I’m going to repeat my
opening statement: I am far from a perfect spouse. I screw up over and over and
over again. Amy would tell you the same thing, not only about me, but about
herself. We both recognize that we fail each other all the time. Some of our
failures are deliberate, but most of them happen so fast we didn’t have time to
think about them until after the fact. If our love for one another was conditioned
upon never screwing up, then we would’ve been divorced the same day we got
married!
And you know what? Our failures aren’t over. We’re going to
continue failing each other every single day of our lives. We’re never going to
reach a point where we’re the “perfect” spouse. Because of how much we fail
each other, we both need to love each other unconditionally. When we stood on a
stage in front of 200 people and said our vows, we committed to love each other
for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, and in sickness and health
for the rest of our lives. And we intend on doing that no matter what.
Unless you’re God, you’re going to encounter the same issue
we did: You and your spouse are going to fail each other over and over and over
again. You’re going to do hurtful things to one another. If your love for your
spouse is conditioned upon him or her being perfect, then your marriage will be
doomed from the start.
How Can We Love Our Spouse Unconditionally?
My short answer to this question is that we can’t…at least
not alone. I don’t know about you, but in order for me to really grasp a concept,
I need to see an example of it in action. It’s like in math class when the
teacher would explain a mathematical concept, and then work some example
problems on the board. Unconditional love is no different for me. I need to see it in
action.
This leads me to my first idea for how we can love our spouse
unconditionally: Experience what it’s like to be loved unconditionally. Now, I’m
not saying that we need to expect our spouse to go first in loving us
unconditionally. I’m also not saying that we need to enter into a marriage
relationship with someone who loves us unconditionally, divorce ourselves from
that person, and then go marry someone else so that we can show the new spouse
how to love unconditionally. That’d be ridiculous. Instead, what I’m suggesting
is that we go to the author of unconditional love: God.
According to the Bible, God’s love for his people is
unconditional. If that’s the case, then there’s absolutely nothing his people
can do to separate themselves from his love.[2] It’s
only when we’ve experienced God’s unconditional love that we’re able to unconditionally
love our spouse.
My second idea builds upon the first one. Once you’ve
experienced God’s unconditional love, allow that love to spring forth from your
heart towards your spouse. The hardest times to demonstrate unconditional love
are the times when your spouse hurts you the most, but it’s precisely under
these circumstances that your unconditional love for your spouse can shine the brightest.
How about When Your Spouse Cheats on You?
Before I wrap up, I want to make mention of one final thought.
Some of you reading this article have been or are in marriages where your
spouse cheated on you. And some of you have cheated on your spouse. I’m not
just talking about physical affairs here; I’m talking about emotional ones as
well. All types of affairs can be very hurtful to both you and your spouse. How
do you apply unconditional love in these situations? Unfortunately, I don’t
have a silver bullet answer because every situation is different. However, I don’t
find anything in the Bible that says God ever calls us to cease loving people, including a former spouse,
unconditionally. But that unconditional love will look a lot different after a
divorce than it looked when you were married.
If you have more questions about your specific situation,
feel free to reach out to me with a message on social media or with an email. I’d
love to chat more about it with you.
Conclusion
Today's discussion on unconditional love wraps up my series on our Five Strategies for a Successful
Marriage. I hope you’ve been able to take away a few ideas for how to apply
these strategies in your marriage. If you’d like to hear more about any of
these five strategies or would like me to present one or two more strategies,
feel free to drop me a note on social media or via email. I love hearing your
feedback!
Lastly, if you’ve got a topic you’d like to hear more about,
I’d love to come alongside you in exploring it. Feel free to drop me a note
with your topic(s).
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